A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I beg you to euthanise me
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.