A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense