A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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Meme Monday.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
sistine chapel
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
When you kidnap a writer.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what