A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees