Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel