A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
You Might Also Like
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.