A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No