A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos