@Paige__xxx

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

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@DaddyJew

Waitress: what will it be?

Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side

W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?

M: yes please

@ANastyGorilla

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

@Jennco_W

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@KentWGraham

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

@copymama

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

@Darlainky

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire