A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

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Waitress: what will it be?

Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side

W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?

M: yes please


My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.


GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad


Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.


FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.


Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.


Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”


It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.


Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire