Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

ew if literal: let me be clear

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies