Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*