Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.