A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
