A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Alexa: *deep breath*
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
