*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
You Might Also Like
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Social Media and Real life
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed