Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.