Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.