A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
