Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.