Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Life hack

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Sell your car

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout