Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Go gym

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th