Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

i hope my email finds you on fire

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?