A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.