A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
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Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
we’re gonna need another temp
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.