A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.