A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.