A termite walks into a tavern and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.