A termite walks into a tavern and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”