A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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out-housing market appears to be strong
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I am also baked goods
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.