Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

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I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?