a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
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All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
He has no idea 🤡
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!