Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

This sounds bad:

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious