A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Care for your back
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?