Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

The Backseat Boys

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

At ease

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed