A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Twitter remains undefeated
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass