A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Shakespeare: Know thyself
Me: [changes into trashy t-shirt before eating spaghetti]
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
🤣
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”