A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old