@Social_Mime

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

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@drankturpentine

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

@neerjagurnani

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

@ghostkrogh

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

@TheOnlyMommaG

[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]

“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”

*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑

@notfaizzy

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

@lovemydogduck

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

@ericsshadow

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

@RealDMK

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

@FredPollack

I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.