Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.