A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.