A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?