A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
You Might Also Like
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.