A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
I’m Sold!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.