Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/