A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I like crazy people until they notice me