A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.