A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.