a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
me and my fake scenarios
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]