A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Who chose this font
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.