a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.