Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.