A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
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Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too