A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
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Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
learning about math 🧐 📝
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.