A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
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me before I type out affect or effect
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.