A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
January has been Januweary
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
never stops being funny
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children