Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

much to think about

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”