A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
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my mom making me talk to relatives
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”