A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?