Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing