A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.