Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.