Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”