Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??