Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Donkey Kong sommelier

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further