A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Wow 🤣
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
The internet is magic sometimes.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Pretty much. 🤣
