Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym