A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”