[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE EMOJI THIS IS A GODDAMN WAR ON CHRISTMAS IVE HAD ENOUGH OF TH– oh there it is