@MaryJustice86

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

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@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?

Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home

@fro_vo

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

@dimplesticks

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

@DanMentos

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@DiscoFruit

[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”

@li4mst3w4rt

me: it’s too hot

*opens window*

*in comes 305430 flies, 43866 spiders, 91193 moths, a serial killer, a paedophile and a burglar*

(HELP)