@MaryJustice86

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

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@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

@JoyceCarolTotes

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

@Tmoney68

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

@Lerky

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

@thestlouisan

WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE EMOJI THIS IS A GODDAMN WAR ON CHRISTMAS IVE HAD ENOUGH OF TH– oh there it is