SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?
Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”
Daisy: how are you
me: it’s too hot
*in comes 305430 flies, 43866 spiders, 91193 moths, a serial killer, a paedophile and a burglar*