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What happened to the other hiker??!
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Many hands make light work
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason