A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
The struggle is real.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.