A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.