Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

My neck, my back, my…