A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
You Might Also Like
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
This will never not be funny to me.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?